Finally released from lock down, thanks to BiggestFan for the head's up that my SL Blog is available once again (yah, duh, Blogger - I am not a spammer - eesh).

Anyways, I published the draft posts I had from the last week ... and some of them are way long and rambleee so if you go there make sure you bring to cup of coffee and like I dunno a game of mahjong or something to entertain yourself.

word-life-son.

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Hey Blogosphere ... after much reflection I have made the decision to break away my SecondLife posts from this blog. This decision was reached based on the fact that I have myriad posts percolating of a vein that fits with the original purpose of this blog. And the SL posts, while fascinating I'm sure (dramatic eye roll) are at this point more rambling and less sociological inquiry. That said, I have created a new blog for the continuation of my SL story (should I feel the need to tell it) ... with the disclaimer that there could always be the possibility I won't tell anymore. Do I think that likely? Probably not ... but you know, whatevs. 

Guess I am on a blog roll tonight, my mind is working overtime and as usual I am going all thought schizo. I alluded earlier to the friendships I have taken from SL outside - let me do the rollup of the communication methods as a data point before I launch into my latest diatribe.

• BiggestFan: email & IM communication (frequent)
  
• theDevil: email communication (frequent)
  
• FratBoy: Facebook & Twitter (frequent but very surface)
  
• FratBoyUK: Facebook & IM (infrequent)
  
• Pepi: email (he sent one, I have not replied yet)

So five people, out of the ... I dunno ... 30 on my friends list (and that is after my frequent friends list purges). Anyways, recently I was discussing SL with my mother (eye roll) who of course thinks that I should run screaming from it and never ever look back. She fervently and with concerned tears in her eyes asked me "Why, why do you do this? What are you gaining there? Why can't you just stop doing there?" To which I replied that I had made some friends there who I couldn't just turn my back on. Her response was that those friendships were "false". To which I paused, thinking ... and responded - what makes them false? Her response was that they are false because you don't have that physical exchange with another human being, you can't read their body language, and you are only getting a part of the other person.

So this warranted some serious reflection for a few reasons.

One, in SL it seems that time is flying much faster - it is easy to fall in deep with another person very very quickly. I believe in part that that is because you cannot rely on the non-verbal communications that we use in face to face dealings ... therefore you are much quicker to divulge a greater part of yourself. In addition, it is easier I think to be open and vulnerable when there is still that comfortable blanket of anonymity. So how can a relationship be "false" when you are revealing deep parts of yourself to another human being? Because regardless on the other end of that network cord behind those pixels there is really another human being controlling that other avatar.... a human being with thoughts and feelings just like yours. Now, granted, that human being is probably 58, 375 pounds, and sitting @ their desk clothed in a Jedi warrior bathrobe - but who cares? You are still connecting with another human being.

Two, if a friendship fostered in SL is "false" then what about a friendship fostered via any of the online social networking sites? What about Facebook, for instance, where I have made contact through friends of mine with people who have like interests ... and we have continued to forge friendships independent of that other person. Or how about reconnecting with old acquaintances the same way, people who I was never really close with but through the magics of the interwebs I now share conversation with nearly every day (that's way more than with my own mother).

Three, then if an online friendship is "false" does that mean any relationship that starts online on say ... a dating website ... is then doomed to fall into that "false" category indefinitely? Or is it that the minute you lay eyes on that other persons face and see that they really were not lying, they truly are over 6 foot and under 300lbs that that relationship transitions smoothly into the "real" category? Isn't that, in fact, the true definition of shallowness? I mean, isn't it ideal to regard another person with love completely unburdened by the stigmas that come along with physical appearance?

Of course, in SL ... the physical appearance of ones avatar means a great deal ... so maybe that's what supposedly makes it false?

See how deep I am tonight?
hellz-tothe-yah.

Wondering aloud here ... er ... in writing. So a week or so ago I went all gung-ho guerilla style cold turkey on SL. Uninstalled the viewers, deleted my chat logs, dumped all my SL books (shut up - yes I have SL books - what of it???), deleted my RSS feeds to SL sites ... yada.

Okay, so since then I felt guilty about deserting "friends" ... the very very few I had in world who I really respected and do not have outside contact with. I also received multiple messages through SL from said ppl, and the guilt (or curiosity??? or boredom ???) pushed me to log on, briefly, to allow myself a goodbye. I already posted about one of those times, and I had a big freaky gushy slightly borderline insane post about how I wasn't weak and all this stuff. omg I am a drama queen.

Anyways, since then I logged on another time - briefly - to carry on two short conversations ... one of those times I got caught up by a "friend" who I met early on in SL, from France, who considers me to be a very good friend of his (apparently). Let's call him Pepi. So - Pepi gushes on about how ppl in SL are weird and he has had so many ppl just up and stop talking to him, people who claimed to see him like a brother! he said ... people who were lovers! he said. He said, they don't answer me in world, they don't respond to my emails, they don't even answer the phone when I call! So of course, my mind goes to ... um ... is he trying to guilt me into continuing contact with him when I am out? Not a clue. Anyways, what was notable there is a clear reminder of why I wanted to stay the heck out of dodge in the first place. I faked a crash and didn't log back on (extremely easy out when dealing in a virtual world, btw).

So what's the point? Okay, this is what I am realizing ... my relationship with SL is a slow death @ this point, and the venom I had around leaving or staying is slowly seeping away. Does this mean I was not / am not addicted to it? No, it doesn't mean that ... I still am pretty sure I was in way deep - too deep ... and maybe pulled myself out just in time. Maybe it has something to do with the fact the my RL is ramping up, that my vision is starting to clear, that my professional life has become challenging and rewarding again. Maybe it is that my priorities are returning to me like long lost friends, falling in line easily without any of that uncomfortable awkward reworking. Maybe it's that it is just time to move on ... and my heart and brain are finally working towards the greater good as a team.

Anyway, think on it people. I know I will.
boo-tothe-yah.

Okay, I am going through the cycles of guilt, failure, anger, denial ... yada yada ... over my little back slide last night. That is all self induced of course because I am always my toughest critic. Always.

However, as I alluded to in previous posts ... there are a couple of people who I continue to communicate with outside of SL - lets call them BiggestFan and TheDevil. Now, BiggestFan is .. well I think probably my biggest fan, inside and outside of SL ... there is a lot that could be said about him but it isn't important for this post, maybe more later. TheDevil played an equally large part in my SL and now we communicate regularly via email.... our dealings have been extremely complicated and (dare I say) painful - for me - severly doubtful that it was ever for him. More on that later maybe.

Anyways, in the wake of my log on last night TheDevil informs me in one of our exchanges (mine laden with regret over my quick log on last night) that he knew I would come back to SL because it is like a drug. Dangit, that is exactly the point! I don't have even 23 minutes to spare on anything that isn't furthering or enriching my life. I am 29 ... I will be 30 in like 4 seconds and I will have to look back on my last year in my 20s and remember a world made of pixels. Pixels!

Anyways, I asked BiggestFan if he thought I would return to SL ... he said in a week or two he thought I would out of curiosity but not last night.

Why does everyone think I am so weak? I am not weak. Shoot - even in those 23 minutes I wasn't weak. Okay so why did I do it ... to say goodbye! I think. uck conflicted.

Well, I did it - last night I reinstalled SL and logged on ... twice. The first time I logged on for literally 3 minutes, during which time I received no less than 8 IMs from other ppl freaking out over the fact that I haven't logged on in 3 days. Of those 8 only 2 actually mattered to me and were the real reason I logged on in the first place. One is my SL boss and the other is a guy who seems like a normal college frat boy ... I like them both a lot and felt bad about leaving without saying goodbye.

Well, I freaked at all the other messages and said I had to go ... but promised I would come back in 2 hours... during those 2 hours I found myself NOT looking forward to logging on, it felt like an obligation not fun. Well I did it, and when I came back I stayed for 20 minutes this time ... 20 minutes of frat boy calling me a crazy asshole for acting like I could be addicted to a game ... 20 minutes of my SL boss saying how much he missed me and that if I needed to talk I could always come to him (huh?). Also during that 20 minutes I rented a small apartment from my boss, even as I pressed Pay I realized ... um ... this is contradictory to my decision to leave this fakey world. But I still did it.

I don't want to go back, I really don't - I know that now. Even the 23 total minutes I spent there last night feels like a small death in my otherwise positive and productive day yesterday. And as I lay in bed last night it occurred to me that it is insane to feel "obligated" to a world that doesn't exist ... I have more than enough obligations in my RL. Of course, before I logged off I told SLBoss and Frat Boy that I would be back tomorrow (today) but that my RL job is heating up and I will not be in SL much at all for awhile. SLBoss said to me "So slavery is still legal in the US???" ... haha. It's worth posting about him some other time actually, he is from an Island off of Northern Africa and his greatest RL dream is to move to the US. He is very intelligent and has an innate sense of style that is wonderful to watch... he is one of those SL Business ppl ... all he does is build and make money. Oh, and be my friend ..........

urgh - conflicted - weak - lame. more later.

A couple of things occurred to me yesterday after I posted ... one, it is insane for me to be putting some of this stuff out here since this blog is so easily find-able ... but then, I am insane sort of. I will just tag posts re: SL as SecondLife posts and ppl who aren't interested can skip them. Afterall, I am who I am (I ♥ Popeye). Second, and the biggest thing I wanted to pop off about ... none of what I am saying here or am going to say here should come across as judgement on others. I am NOT projecting my feelings about other ppl here ... I am NOT saying that online gaming is bad, or that SL in particular is bad. This blog is all about me and no one else ... other ppl may have played a part in my dealings but I have no judgement towards their actions.

aaaaight? Okay, carry on.